Free Write #3

Cemetery near my house

I always feel that I should give more. More love, more time, more attention, more, more , more. But I can't. 

Mindfulness forces me to watch myself engage in the behaviors I'd like to change The harmful habits, the closed-off-ness, the selfishness; yet like watching a home movie in real-time, the patterns are strong, the habits ingrained. the desire to change isn't enough, though I do desire such.

To show affection more readily, to love and not take for granted the loved ones near me. To dedicate all of my time and breath and energy to the ones I love. Yet I cannot. I am silence.

The feelings within are expressed in words but not in actions, the hugs and kisses seldom come form me seldom initiated by me. My cat Zoe asking me to play as I sit here self-indulgently rambling on about how self-indulgent i am, yet I cannot force myself to be who I want to be, who I wish I could be for them.

My loved ones deserve better than me, they deserve someone who not only returns their love in feeling but in action. Who can dedicate themselves and be open and tender. I'm not this man. Pause. I wish I could hug my mom everyday when she wakes up, wish I could play with Zoe anytime that she wants to play. Wish I could connect with friends more instead of allowing a distance between conversations.

Yet there is nothing. There's awareness without freedom. The disposition is a rope, a noose , a cord strangling me and forcing the current to flow in a certain direction against my will. Imprisoned by the habits and genes that have formed me. When there are breakthrough, like the sunlight beaming through a nest of clouds, they are temporary. Habits always prevail when energy fades. Habits always prevail.